It starts TODAY!

I am seriously fed up with myself ... fed up with my inactivity, my plump post-baby figure and hating myself every time I look in the mirror. Most of all, I'm fed up with my excuses and refusal to just go out and get it done.
I know what it takes - I've done it before.
I know that it's not easy, and that it will likely be harder with a wee demanding Gremlin, but the excuses have to stop. I just got back from a vacation to Florida and in the pictures I STILL look pregnant! I don't fit into any of my clothes (except my preggo ones) and I just feel sluggish all the time. It's unacceptable and I refuse to remain complacent.

So yes my friends, it starts TODAY!

I have a several pronged approach to Operation Make Jenn Not Look Like A Fat Slob

1. I started a "boot camp" workout group for the next four weeks. It meets four days a week at 6 a.m., but I can only do three days due to my work schedule. I went this morning and remembered how great it feels to sweat and feel my muscles burn!

2. I'm going to start a training program for the Bass Pro half-marathon this week. I'm going to be following a walk/run program and not stressing about the fact that I'm mainly walking at this point in time. Walking consistently is better than where I've been the past year.

3. I don't believe in dieting. I've tried the Weight Watchers thing and several other fad diets in the past, but I don't think it's sustainable. When I lost my weight the first time around all I did was eat MINDFULLY, thinking carefully about what and how much I was eating. I also made sure to eat breakfast and incorporate healthy snacks. This week marks the end of having the "oh what does it matter I'm fat anyway" french fries or jalapeno poppers or whatever else ridiculously fattening I really want to shove down my throat.

4. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I really need to change my attitude. I'm so far down in a slump that I'm having a hard time digging myself out. I need to just take it one day at a time and give myself credit for every small victory. Rome wasn't built in a day, and a hot, sexy Jenn won't re-emerge in a day either.

In looking at the blog, I need to make some changes. Obviously my masthead and title are completely irrelevant these days. My traveling days are over for a while, and as far as being a nurse, I do my two shifts a week to get the bills paid, but my focus is no longer at work. I need my focus to be on myself for a while. I've poured a lot of energy into my child and my marriage (and will continue to do so), but I think I've lost myself. I'm not pleased with where I am and I think that when I reclaim some of the old Jenn, I'll be a better wife and mother!!

Join me for the journey and feel free to haze me as necessary :)

THE DAMNING EVIDENCE

Yes, that's my maternity swimsuit from last year.

WOW! I actually look chunkier in these pics than I did last summer at almost 6 months pregnant! Definitely gained some thigh fat, and my stomach? Horrible!

Three months later .....

OK, it's been over three months without a post so you are probably correct if you guessed that Jenn has not been kicking ass on the pavement. I could give you all kinds of excuses but I know that you don't want to read them, and quite frankly I'm tired of giving them. We'll just say that the transition to parenthood has been a challenging one, made even more so by my return to work in January. I've managed to prioritize everything above my own needs - I worry more about whether the baby is happy, the house is clean, the laundry done and my husband getting enough sleep. Somehow I never manage to get around to making sure that my needs are met whether that be getting a hair cut or getting a workout accomplished. I should give props to my husband who has been very encouraging and tried everything he can think of to get me motivated, but in the end the motivation can only come from one place. And in the end, I need to learn to include MYSELF in my priorities!

As far as fitness goes, we got a BOB Ironman stroller for Christmas and with the help of a Kiddopotamus insert, we can get the Gremlin securely and safely strapped in. I've taken him out several times in the neighborhood and he loves it! I've only tried jogging with it a few times so far, but now with the BOB, I don't have to wait for Bryan to get home for me to get a run in. I've also started forcing myself to take the stroller if I need to run to the post office which is only a mile and a half round trip. Same for if I get a craving for a Sonic Diet Cherry Vanilla Coke which is across the street from the post office. Even if it's not far, it's a start :)

I also signed up for the Arkansas Grand Prix which is a series of races sponsored by various Road Runners Clubs across the state. This is the first year that my club, the Hot Legs, have participated and Bryan also signed up with his group. I was able to participate in my first race two weeks ago, the Chase Race 2 Miler. It worked out great because we had someone to watch the Gremlin and it was so short that it wasn't too intimidating for me. I was ridiculously slow and ran it in 25:25, but it just felt good to be out stretching my legs on the pavement. My quads were SO SORE for the next three days, I haven't felt that kind of soreness since I first started running in 2006!! Here's a pic of me, my husband and my Mom who was the official Gremlin sitter so that both of us could race.

I have several races on the near horizon and I know that if I start getting a regular run in three times a week, it won't take long to recover my pace. I just started on my routine work schedule last week so I now know that I can make it to my running club's Wednesday night run. I just need to work in one more run with the jogging stroller during the week and a weekend long(er) one when Bryan can watch the Gremlin.

I haven't thought beyond running for the time being, but I do need to come up with a viable way to do some strength training. I've never been in as good of shape as when I used to routinely strength train twice a week ... a habit long since forgotten.

My other big issue is diet. UGH! I HATE to diet! The reality is that I still have 20 pounds of baby weight that's not going to dissolve magically while I sleep. I joined Weight Watchers last month and even have the fancy points tracker on my Blackberry, but I just haven't committed to it. I'm so bad at keeping track of what I eat which is really the whole basis. I need to at least try two weeks of taking it seriously and see what happens. I am trying to be more aware of what I eat - specifically how much I eat, but honestly I'm still in the mode of "who cares, I'm fat anyway" which doesn't do me a damn bit of good when it comes time to fit into any of my clothes.

I think I've hit rock bottom. I'm sick of how I look and even sicker about how I feel. I know that Bryan will be a partner in this endeavor and will help me do what it takes to be healthier. I know I can do it - I've done it before and when I started off over three years ago, I didn't even think I was capable of running half-marathons and doing triathlons. Now I KNOW that I am capable of this ... so what's stopping me???

Half Marathon Training Starts...

Today marks the official start of my half-marathon training for the Little Rock Half Marathon on March 15, 2009. I'm following a 14 week training plan in the book Marathoning For Mortals by "The Penguin" John Bingham. He writes an excellent column in Runner's World and has a lot of great advice for those of us who aren't too speedy but aspire to going longer distances. I used his run/walk plan for my last half marathon - the Colorado Colfax in May 2007 - and improved my time over my prior half by about 13 minutes. This time around, I'm doing the walk/run plan which puts more emphasis on the walking. I don't have any delusions that I'll be able to do a lot of running at the beginning of my training so this is the better plan. I need something that is realistic and that I can stick to, but I do have in the back of my head that I can start to add in more running as the weeks go by if my body tells me that I can.

In any case, as always I need a goal to shoot for or I never seem to get myself going. When I have a plan to follow, it holds me accountable and gets me out the door. I always feel great after a run, but just taking those first steps can be rough for me. I actually didn't get to work out today because I have HORRIBLE blisters that are now scabbed over. (I was really stupid and wore low-rise socks) I'm hoping an extra day will make it bearable to put on real shoes because at that moment I'm living in my clogs. I think I'll print out my plan and put it on the 'fridge and mark it off as I go. Maybe give myself a sticker when I successfully complete a week???? Yeah, I am that pathetic and in need of motivation. It's amazing I ever completed as many races as I did!!!

Appearance Threshold

Before anyone gives me grief about not making any "training" posts - I can assure you that I am making some progress. I mean it's piddly-ass pathetic progress, but progress nonetheless. I'm walking as much as possible, generally pushing the Gremlin in the stroller around the neighborhood at a brisk pace to get the heart rate up. I've also been doing some walk/run workouts when BJ is home to watch the Gremlin. Santa is going to be sending us a sweet jogging stroller so as soon as it's safe, I'll have more flexibility to workout with the Gremlin during the day.

Today, I want to talk about ... for lack of better description - your personal appearance threshold. What is your level of comfort with how you must appear before leaving the house. We all have our own personal rules for how we have to look and what we wear and it changes based on where we're going whether it's to work, out for the evening, a quick errand, trip to the grocery store etc. It's most likely not something we even think about, it's so ingrained.

For men, it's things like do you need to take a shower? Or shave? Or is it acceptable to just throw a hat on?

For women, it's far more complicated. Not only it is a question of showering, but in regards to shaving - can I just get away with shaving my pits? Do I have to shave my legs?
Am I washing my hair? If I wash my hair do I have to dry and style it or am I going to just throw it in a pony tail?
Do I need to put on makeup?

I remember back in my younger days I wouldn't even leave the house to run quickly to the store without my contacts in, and full makeup and hair. I was scared to death that someone I know would see my in my "raw" state. I was always fully cleaned and made up, the only variable was my clothing. Ripped jeans, Birkenstocks and a t-shirt were completely acceptable for trips to the store and quick errands for example.

As I've gotten older, my threshold has been greatly altered. I don't really care so much about what people think so I don't worry so much about how I look. There's also the change in my work environment from being a government 9 to 5'er who had a lot of contact with the public to a nurse working the night shift. My work uniform went from business casual to pajamas a.k.a. scrubs. In general, I still like to put my full makeup on when I go to work, but I generally choose to wear glasses (more protection for my eyes from ick) and for infection control purposes I no longer can wear nail polish and my hair has to be pulled back.

I started pondering all of these issues this morning when I had to run to the Post Office to pick up a box. I wasn't worried about being unshowered and having no makeup on, but I did feel the need to brush my hair (if my hair had looked nasty, a ballcap would have been employed) and brush my teeth. As for clothing, I was perfectly content to wear the tshirt that I had slept in, I didn't bother with a bra, but I did feel the need to take the jammie pants off and put on clean underwear and jeans. I went through this ritual without really thinking about it and I realized just how high - or is it low? - that my appearance threshold has become. Gone are the days where I shaved my legs daily and feared being caught without my makeup. Of course I don't think you'll ever find me nastily in need of a shower, and this morning if I had more errands to run and was going to be out a few hours, I would have definitely showered ... though unless I was going to the Mall or another non-grocery store, I wouldn't have bothered with makeup.

I know that there's this idea that once you get married and have kids you "let yourself go," but I don't think my preferences have anything to do with this. It's more that as I've gotten older, I've become more comfortable in my skin and I'm not so superficial. I'm pretty sure that gazing upon my clean, non-made up face is not akin to staring at Medusa - so I don't sweat those things as much. I will certainly admit that the busier I get and the more demands I have on my time, the less often you'll find me in full makeup and hair glamour, but by golly I'll always be showered, have my teeth brushed, clean underwear and have my armpits shaved - you can at least count on that!

So what's your appearance threshold? And has it changed as you've gotten older?

Job Hunting

Since I am currently without job, the time has come to commence with the job searching. My plan is to start sometime in January which will have made me off work for 4 months! That's crazy! I've never been off for more than three weeks before this!!

The job hunt is usually something that causes great stress and trauma, but finding a job is pretty easy as a nurse and it's more a matter of finding the best fit for my needs. I've applied at two hospitals so far and have had one interview. My big thing is that I'm wanting part-time nights (defined by me as 24 hours or two 12 hour shifts) and I don't want to work straight weekends. If I was all about the money, I'd take a straight weekend position because you get a major monetary incentive for giving up every Saturday and Sunday night. A lot of Moms do this, but I don't think this is for me. My first complaint would be missing all of BJ's free time - weekends are our theoretical fun time (though with a newborn there hasn't been as much free spirited fun as of late!) Second problem is that all of the races I want to do are on weekends so I'd be constantly trying to get off for one thing or another.

As for type of job, I'm kindof feeling that it's time to try something different. I've done NICU since I've been a nurse (4 years) and I wonder what else is out there?? I'm kindof interested in doing labor and delivery or a post-partum/mom-baby unit job. I have some interest in adult critical care (I worked in a trauma/burn ICU in school), but I'm wanting to avoid jobs that have long term patietns. It's one of the things about maternity that appeals - you have the baby and then you go home. Is it wrong that I don't want to see the same patients over and over? Maybe, but it's the part of NICU that was starting to really grate on me, especially when you had "challenging" families.

Anyway, my one interview was for a part-time labor and delivery gig. The schedule would be perfect since it was no weekends at all unless I had an occasional call shift on a weekend night. My biggest concern is that they don't do a lot of business at nights so I think it'd be a lot of sitting around, and then maybe getting some inductions started late at like 5 a.m. I'm one of those people who likes a steady worknight and with a little Gremlin at home, there's no telling how low on sleep I'll be which makes having something to do all night long even more important.

Hopefully, I'll have some other interviews and options to choose from. I'd like to have a job confirmed in the next three weeks.